Bachelor Party

I just returned from my 50th Monmouth College (Illinois) reunion (Class of 1973).  In the 'tell us about yourself' stuff was a question:  'What was your most memorable moment while at Monmouth?'  For me, it was my bachelor party. 

I got married a few months before graduating - about the time of Spring Break.  My bride was a 'townie' who grew up in the town of Monmouth - while we're no longer married, she continues to be a good friend.  

The bachelor party was at my fraternity - the ZBT house – then across from the College Administration building at 701 E. Broadway in Monmouth Illinois. Monmouth is a small town - population 10,000 (when college is in session).  From the air, it is more or less a square and has two primary streets dividing the town into four quadrants:  Main Street (go figure) and Broadway.

In those days there were “traditions” when guys moved to the ‘next step’ of their relationship such as pinning or becoming engaged.  The traditions involved alcohol (in those days what college tradition didn’t?) and the guy usually ended up naked, tied in a sheet, and deposited at the door to the girl’s dorm for her to come out and untie him.  I did not endure those ‘traditions’ as the events occurred.

True to form, the bachelor party did involve a modest amount of alcohol. Well, modest if one compares it to the daily production of Jack Daniel’s distillery.

My beloved fraternity brothers decided that the missed traditions must be upheld – at least somewhat.  found I found myself defrocked. Totally.  Since (a) my betrothed lived on the other side of town and (b) said brothers realized that driving a car by any of them at that time wasn’t a good idea, they simply threw me outside on the front porch, which was in the veranda style of wrap around porch.  In my glory.

My roommate and best man then retrieved his “SunGun” movie camera attachment.  This thing had enough lumen power to illuminate two flies mating at the other end of a football field. He proceeded to shine it through the window, about 3.7 feet away from my very shiny white posterior, which seemed to glow.

Unfortunately, being on Broadway, one of Monmouth’s finest chose that moment to drive by the house.

He called for reinforcements; the entire force showed up.

Andy - the ZBT President - didn’t want to explain to my betrothed (or my father) that I wasn’t at the wedding because I was in a 'public accommodation' awaiting to appear before some guy in a black robe. So I was let back in the house and told to get the heck upstairs.  It was (and is) an old house and had two stairs upstairs – a very public stair at the front, visible through the glass door from the street, and a ‘back stair’ hidden from view.  Yep, I ran in my birthday suit up the front stairs.

The police knocked on the door; Andy, who claimed to have sobered up faster than any other time in his life, answered the door.  The police said ‘Some of your members are running around sans clothing.  Andy replied 'It’s not several, officer, just one' and explained the reason for the celebration.

After admonishing Andy to keep me inside, the police left.